i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
