I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
