The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
