Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
