Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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