I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
