Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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