Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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