I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
