she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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