I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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