i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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