Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Slut skills are useful in every country.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
