Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i think i just naturally attract stoners
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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