I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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