I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
