In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
