I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
