the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
