some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
