I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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