some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
