I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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