I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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