Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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