ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
you made out with another girl for some wings
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
