On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
