drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
