I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Bring me that man meat
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
