Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
