I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
