I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
