We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
