I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
