$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
