i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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