apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I want to be your penis for a week.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
