Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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