By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
