i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
