Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
