I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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