I showed him my bush... on skype.
ugly people sure do ruin things
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
