Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
