This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Im part way to drunk.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
