Betty ford says i'm here all night
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
