seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
