I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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