this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
you never un-have a 4some
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
