I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
