walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
