no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize