I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
