I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
