I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
