i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
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