Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
