it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She even gives head with a lisp.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
