Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Randomize
