Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
